i wanna fly off in a private jet, away from this world, to a place of serenity.
where civilisation fails to catch up to me, a place where i would just perish peacefully. that's just a dream, that is meant for sleeping.

so anyway i got to get myself a full checkup. but damn it, i hate to go alone because it's gonna be long hours of waiting in a hospital. now thinking, what happens if i get some incurable sickness that kills me in a month or two? or a year or two? what would happen? i really like to know. interesting huh.

i'll be here..

why...?

i'll be waiting.. here..

for what?

i'l be here waiting.. for you.. so..

so if you come here..

you'll find me..

i promise.

hmm.. i guess im getting better. my strength is slowly coming back to me. (hey i dont actually mean physical strength okay). i took a quiz, and im dependent on people, i need to talk to people if not i'l feel lonely. hahaha. thats probably where my strength come from, my friends, accurately, my close friends. i need you guys.

i shall do what i've always wanted. im gonna kill myself by running long distances. biking through bukit timah hill and not holding back, i think you guys know what i mean =D and recently i've found something else, cycling down spiral multi-storey carpark roads. few say im suicidal, many says im crazy and retarded, some say im having fun. yes tiff.

a day may come, where the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. an hour of woes and shattered shields when the age of men come crashing down. but it is not this day. by all that you hold dear, on this good earth, i bid you stand, and fight with me.
- lord of the rings: the return of the king.

some part of me is happy that we talked and trashed everything out on saturday night as well as monday. some part of me is devastated because everything is given up. some part of me prays that we'l still go out as good friends, to places we want to go, retreat. some part of me is crying because she is crying.

i dont know how to carry on with life. i need help. i dont want to continue to feel weak, disheartened, aimless. let us rid ourselves of misery and pain. put everything behind us, lets turn the bittersweet memories of us from disappointment and pain to strength of happiness. let us be strong once more, to fight the battle of life together with everyone, as close friends.

im sorry i've made you cry. really, i am. forgive me.

i've spent alot of time thinking things through, more than anyone would ever know. i hope you listen to what i have to say, lets talk.

i dont know what to think. my life is messed up now. i really don't know. im usually not this aimless, disorientated. i am, now was goal-driven, always knowing what to do, where to go. nothing supposedly dampens my spirit, my appetite.

my strength have gone. my discipline astray. my resolve diminished. why does this happen? i thought i was strong and indestructable. apparently not. my weakpoint, exposed and pierced selflessly.

there was so many places i desired to go, to experience with her. so many new things to do with her. it was the best days/weeks/months of my entire life. although i really want to be with her, again. i'd rather she be happy, which was why rage was absent. if she's happier this way, then have it her way. but im very sure, i can give her happiness, I DONT FREAKING MIND WAITING, but she doesn't see it. i dont think we'l be happier this way, at least not on my part, im devastated. if she could only get over being 'obliged' to do stuff in a relationship. being in a relationship is supposed to be carefree, stress-free, not bounded by duty, being YOURSELF, just with that someone else. she doesn't understand me, it's okay, but it doesn't seem like she's even trying, because if she did, things would be a whole lot better. i really want to be there for her, i dont want to see her crying, it pains me more than anything else.

i love her, i want to help her, in ways that accommodates her lifestyle. she just don't allow it. we don't always have to be with each other physically, because what is most important, is that we know we're supporting each other, that we're thinking of each other, is it really that difficult? to think of someone you love? every relationship is DIFFERENT, unique. is it really over? even so, i can't give up on her, even when she has given up on us, because it defines who i am, what i am, please don't take what's left of shattered me.

i havent been sleeping well the last few days, missed basic meals, i've got no appetite. i cant sleep well, im dwelling around and about. i hope i'l grow to be 'inhuman', in a sense.
im sorry you have to read my whining and thoughts. although i appreciate you sharing my pain and agony. thank you, whoever, and blogger. now what am i supposed to do. ending my life would be plain selfish. there's no way im leaving her.

quoting from tiffany's blog. sorry im being really emotional right now, bear with me.

love is when..i miss him even before we part
i could listen to him rattle on all night, and never get tired of his voice
the mention of his name send chills down my spine
his smile never dissipates from my mind.

you’re in my arms
and all the world is calm
the music playing on for only two
so close together
and when i’m with you
so close to feeling alive

a life goes by romantic dreams will stop
so i bid mine goodbye and never knew
so close was waiting, waiting here with you
and now forever i know
all that i wanted to hold you
so close

so close to reaching that famous happy end
almost believing this was not pretend
and now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
so far we are so close

how could i face the faceless days
if i should lose you now?
we’re so close
to reaching that famous happy end
and almost believing this was not pretend
let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
so close
so close
and still so far..